Friday, June 24, 2011

Obsessions out of control on four wheels

As I have been thinking about what I am thinking about, I have realized I am obsessed about things.  The things I obsess over  can be small or they can be large.These things capture my attention for a short time and then I find I get distracted from the task only to get swept up by the next.  Sometime I think that I have ADD.

I have found my husband can be just as obsessed with things sometimes but not nearly as often as me.  His latest obsession is the idea of me starting a roller hockey league.  This began on Friday at dinner.  He nonchalantly made the proposal. It shocked me and my answer was, "NO WAY!  That is not what I would ever want to do."  Saturday the mail came and  included in the pile of traditional junk mail was  a DVD from netflix.  What was it?  Whip It! : The new movie out the depicts the roller derby culture.  It is a cute movie and does a good job showing 2 characters both in the roller culture and the normalcy of their "real" life.  Then my argument  was I would not fit in to the culture of violence. This culture seems to envelope who they are on the track even down to the nickname they take. I have not been in a physical fight since 5th grade and even that one was lame. So I can't imagine throwing an elbow or tripiping someone just to make a point in a "game". After all the meaning of my name is "bringer of peace" and your personality  ALWAYS follows the meaning of your name, right? (sarcasm intended)  LOL

I thought that the discussion was over until he wrote a blog listing all the reasons I should do it.  Some of the reasons are valid others it was easy to find an argument so here is my thought about his thoughts.
  1. As I said before I do like to plan but even when I get a vision for something grand I need a person beside me who is the brains behind it all.  Why you might ask, because in my planning I need someone to ask my millions of  questions to think through all the details I forget about.  So a whole league seems like a huge daunting task.  So maybe if there was a league I could organize a team.
  2. To me the culture of roller derby seems so  violent.  As I stated before I am not one to throw an elbow just to get my way.  The toughening up my husband mentions is mainly emotional which I think is just because I am a woman so I am not sure how much you can cure.  My fear is that it might drive him even more crazy because in all that he might hear more whining about all my aches and pains due to being hit and the bills for possible injuries might be costly. 
  3. -5. As far as getting aggressive to get things out to be happier; I think I would rather go to for a run or  do kick boxing.  So why don't I...most of the reasons are another matter for another day...again one of those thinking issues that needs to be thought through a little more...the one reason that blatantly stares me in the face is having someone to do it with to keep me accountable.  When I was training for the race a ran a couple years ago I had 2 partners in crime so I knew I had to keep up with them. In that regard roller derby would have a team...but then again that would take time...another one of my arguments...with a baby in the house do I really have the time to invest in this.  On the other hand, it would be great exercise for the fact that you are trying to get around the  circular track  quickly in order to score the points.  I can roller skate and I do like it. I can remember learning to roller skate when I was a kid. The church I grew up in would have roller skating nights. The college and singles group would take us young kids out on the smooth surface. They would sandwich me in the middle holding my hands for balance.  A couple of the guys had the philosophy that the key was to go fast so they would start off gradually picking up speed and then whoosh me around  so that  I had to balance on my own. Once again I have an argument....I was never a speed skater.  I never won a race and so eventually I hated going out in the middle to be the skeptical for the crowd.  So even though it would probably help the body I am not one to show things off just because I can.
6.  Last but not least I do agree that I need to be more active to be a good role model to my daughter but  I think...I would rather be active with her...when I was being diligent with exercise I was taking her with me in the jogger stroller for a run and we still do walk every morning weather permitting. I intend to go to the pool to get her exposed to the water I can do water exercises at the same time.  I have seen baby and mama workouts where you do it with baby.  Eventually she will grow up and we can ride bikes and play tag or soccer together.  I can teach her good sportsmanship through her own experiences she has and not just her watching me throw the elbow.

So I think my biggest argument is what I was reading about this morning in the Bible.  Something I am trying to learn as a general life lesson.  I  can't just do it to please men.  It has to be desire God gives me.  Right now  it's not ...maybe it would grow on me.  Maybe I could be a light in this culture but until I hear " a word"  my answer is not right now.

I must admit I have had a fleeting thought that maybe I should go get a pair of skates just for exercise...but then I wonder if I would kill myself skating in our hilly neighborhood.  The moral and underlining theme is I need  to make a plan for activity and stick to it just for me!!!

Friday, June 17, 2011

A hay wagon ride down memory lane to where the buffalo roam...

It was a brisk summer night out of the farm with children laughing and singing songs as we climbed on the hay wagon.  It had been  western night at the long weekend retreat we (City Impact volunteers had been hosting for the 40 low income children we had been teaching in Bible Clubs. We had roped hay bale steers, rode horses and other activities surrounding life in the country.  Most of the children had never done any of the activities so it had been a fun and eventful day of intrigue for them.

As we loaded the hay wagon I had sat next to two little girls.  One of them was very apprehensive.  I kept assuring her that it was safe.  She finally climbed up next to me.  I wrapped my arm around her.  As the tractor took off across the field all the kids were recalling the fun events of the day and then we broke out in song.

All of a sudden we felt a jolt...and the next thing I knew I was on the ground recalling where all my organs were located in my body...then someone yelling, "Back up,  hurry!"  Pressure released and I recoiled, springing to my feet.  I had been pinned under the tire of the hay wagon. It had rained several days before.  The water  had washed a small area out.  The tractor tires were big enough to take the pothole with no effect.  The wagon was not so lucky the tire hit the hole and tipped just enough to dump  quite a few of us on the ground.

 My first reaction was to checked on the little girl who was next to me.  She was fine. I then made my rounds  to all the others who were laying on the ground.  Everyone kept asking me if I was OK.  "Of course I am.",  I replied.  Then, I found a little girl who was still on the wagon crying.  She had been in my club the last few years so I tried to climb up to help her...that was when I realized...I really was hurt. 

One of the guys took off his shirt making a sling for me.  Off across the field we went toward the house.  He was recalling the events of the evening marveling at how comforting to others I had been despite what had just happened and how much pain I was in. One of the things he told me was how I responded to the little girl who was still wrapped in my arm.  I guess I kept telling her over and over again, "It is going to be OK. Just stay calm."  She was not hurt in the whole ordeal.

Once we had arrived at the house.  I walked in and the paramedics put me on the couch checking my vitals.  It seemed as everything looked OK.  I waited as they checked all the other kids.  A gentleman walked in the door asking, "Are you okay?"  All of a sudden it dawned on me.  I wasn't even suppose to have been there that evening.  I was suppose to be having dinner with him.  I had stayed at the retreat because they were shorthanded.

They put me on a stretcher and rolled me to the ambulance.  Couple of the girls that had minor injuries slid in on the bench across from me timidly.  I was talking with the paramedics and trying to assure the girls it was safe to tell them things about themselves and the fun day we had.  The last thing I remember before going into shock was the paramedic asking one of the girls her take on the evening.  "We were havin' fun and singing...(pause)... and then we all fell off." was her reply.  I ended up injuring my rotators cuff and my wrist.  Nothing a little time and physical therapy wouldn't cure.

To this day I am leery of hay rack rides.  So when I got the email from the mom's club about going to the Dillinger's Buffalo Ranch and read that you took a hay ride to the buffalo I swallowed hard.  Should I go?  Should I  take my daughter to such an event or not.  I decided it was a beautiful day so we were going to do it.  We arrived.  We got to touch the pelts, horns and bones of this wild animal that is unafraid of anything before even getting on the wagon. When we came out of the barn I saw my nemesis.  My pulse quickened. The  wagon looked safe.  It had bars on all sides so surely nothing will happen.  As we left I noticed we were on a path that eased my mind.    Then all of a sudden we were in a field....memories flooded me and I found my heart pounding and my mind saying its gonna be OK.  Then we entered a wooded thicket...crossed a small creek....mind still racing....came to a fence...went in and stopped...deep breath and sigh of relief.

Once we stopped the buffalo came and surrounded the wagon.  The kids got buckets of pellets they could feed the buffalo.  Some were timid and just threw them at the beasts.  Others let them eat right out of there hands.  There were babies among them who follow close to their mothers.  They were not allowed to venture to close to the wagon.  I guess buffaloes have a matriarchal hierarchy. 

Exposing Charleigh to the buffalo was fun.  I am not sure how impressed she was with the massive animals.  She watched the kids as the fed the buffaloes more than the animals I think.  But the trip was worth it because I had to face a fear to do something fun for my daughter.  And I think I pulled it off with no one even knowing how apprehensive I was.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Change of mindset

On January 1st we always make such high and lofty resolutions.   Most of us make them know that we will break them.  Some of us avoid making them for the very same reason.  I make them...usually saying in my head "good goal but I will fall into the status quoe" (now if that isn't fatalistic thinking). 

Well I have a confession to make...I fell off the band wagon  again.  I am glad we can start over when we don't succeed.  I keep going back in my mind to the T.V. show The Biggest Loser and those things that they had to do to do to get over themselves.  Fear, not thinking they are worth it, doing it for someone else, a defeatest attitude.

They constanted repeated to the trainers why  they were there.  Even when they thought they had arrived they found  there was still more to learn.  I think I am on a path to learn some of these lessons for myself but in a little bit different way. Instead of having someone screaming in my face and making me do it I think I need encouragement.

The thing that made me realize that is at church tonight I 2 people who had no idea about my struggle came up to me at church last night and complemented me. Before that I had been so down on myself about being off track that I think I was becoming my own worst enemy again.  But when these 2 people said that my mindset instantly changed.

When I was on the wieght loss journey before pregnancy I was going to Weight Watcher Meeting faithfully and hearing tips each week from people who were or had gone down the same road.  We were all rejoiceing when there were successes and we could talk about how to get over the failures.  So I am going to start tracking point again  but this time my  focus is going to be on dealing with my thought life. I am making an daily thought calendar that I can record some of the self talk that goes through my head, feelings I am having, successes and defeats that I experience.  I might not blog about them all but they will be out there for me to see and  acknowledge.

I am going to replace the bad and the ugly with good by finding scriptures that pertain to who I am in Christ and to the  battles that go on in my mind so I can claim truth, because ultimately for me that is the goal to transform from the inside out.  I want to remember  who God is  and what Jesus has done for me so I can reframe my reality and find my success and freedom in and through Him and his sacrafice.  I want to do it not because it is a religious ritual but because accepting Him into my life and making him real for me 20 years ago changed my life for the better giving me hope because of His love, grace, and mercy.  I want to fall back in love with Him and in turn find a new acceptance of myself.

All this is going to make me a better person.  Because when I picture myself in my head at success I am able to see a person who has a  smile on her face, a spring in her step, holding hands with her  daughter and her husband while walking into the sunset on a sandy beach or on a hike in the mountians.  A person who is not afraid, who is confident in who she is, who is teaching the next generation how to walk with their heads held high too.  A person who believes in herself because the God of the universe says she was  wonderfully made.  I picture a woman who is ready to tackle the world because there is nothing holding back because she has faith that everything is in God's hands and He is not going to let anything happen that He can not redeem for good.

So here I go I am at the bottom of another mountain peak, the small windy trail before me, trekking poles in hand.  I am taking the first step and now it is simple process.

This is not my daughter although she is getting close to this procsess
  This is a lesson I can learn with my daughter.  One step at a foot in front of the other...when you lose your balance and fall over...pick yourself up...brush off the dust and keep going....  I am ready to climb this mountian by faith because it is in my way.